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July 24, 2008

Survivor

I've been reading a lot of mommy blogs lately. Love the mommy blogs. Love the pics of the wee ones discovering the world around them.

This is dedicated to the mommies (and daddies too, I know you're there).

YOU WILL SURVIVE.

You will survive walking your child to their first day of kindergarten and leaving them with the crossing guard because they are NOT a baby and DO NOT want you to go IN with them.

You will survive when they change their mind halfway across the street and come back to have you escort them in to kindergarten. You will not cry, either.

You will not freak out when they come home from first grade with half their face torn off. You will calmly ask "what happened?" You will not laugh hysterically when you are told that Bobby was ignoring your precious child, so Precious Child grabbed Bobby's backpack strap and Bobby ran away. Wearing his backpack. With Precious Child firmly attached to backpack and leaving half of her face embedded in the asphalt. They're just skid marks.

You will agree that a bright orange jaquard print tee shirt, screaming purple skirt and red cowgirl boots do indeed make a stunning fashion statement on Picture Day.

You will survive being named Psycho Mom of the Year. You know very well that you are Psycho Mom because you are insane enough NOT to allow your 14 year old to get in a car with a TeenageDriver.

You will survive a phone call from the Emergency Room saying that your 14 year old daughter has been in a car accident. A TeenageDriver was at the wheel, somebody said something witty like "I've gotta fart", lost control of the car and drove Through A House.

You will NOT laugh hysterically when you arrive at the Emergency Room to see your child lying on a stretcher with a neck brace so large that it would've been a tad loose for the Incredible Hulk. (everybody lived to walk out of the ER unharmed. Any later harm would be a direct result of Parental Violence.)

You will survive and excel at terrorizing and intimidating both potential and official boyfriends. Having the advantage of being a few inches short of five feet tall and having perfected The Look will ensure that all boys will be on Auto-Scared the minute they pull in the driveway and HONK THE HORN for your Precious Child.

You will develop and perfect methods of dealing with Psycho Drama from your Precious Child, who by 15 is considerably taller than you. That's why God gave his children ears. Ears are not for listening. Ears are handles. Pull on the handle. The Precious Child will sit down on the floor and will LISTEN to you with the remaining ear. Do not relinquish your grasp on the handle until you are done speaking.

You will survive teaching your Precious Child how to drive, preferably in a car you no longer have any sentimental feelings about.

You will clap and cheer when Precious Child buys her very first car and helps to pay for it.

You'll survive your Precious Child's Orientation Day at college and moving into the dorm. You will escort her to her first classroom, although class won't start for another day. You will not cry. It feels a whole lot like the first day of kindergarten.

You will survive Year Number 21. Last year of college and on to grad school. You will not wonder where the time has gone. It's all right there. Oh, by the way, Precious Child's major is PSYCHO-logy.

9 comments:

carrie said...

well, that didn't scare the crackers out of me. That was funny! I liked the part about pyscho mom. I am pyscho mom.

dianne - bunny trails said...

ROTFL!! Great post. Love your humor. :D

Rhea said...

Cute. Scary, but cute.

Mama's Losin' It said...

I'm totally that psycho mom. I don't want to survive...I don't' want 21 to come. Quick! Where's the pause button!?!

Angela said...

You are right, it is about surviving...but I'm also trying to savor.

Thank you for commenting over at ye olde Painted House!

Insane Mama said...

I have been awarded the psycho mom award several times!

Mommy Cracked said...

This was just what I needed to read as I sit here with my little man making train tracks all over the living room after I just finished picking all of the toys up. Found you through AFRo.

jill jill bo bill said...

I LOVE YOU!!! And I am psyched (no pun intended) that you commented 3 times to me on the same blog. It makes me love you more. You are so totally on and so hysterical. A new fav of mine for sure.

Just remember: Then they move out and become someone else's...joy.

Snooty Primadona said...

You are an absolute RIOT! Yes, they will survive. I, like you, have been there & done that & more. Not only was this a great post, but equally as hilarious. The young parents will no doubt find this scary... but actually, they should find it scary. Parenthood is crazy scary.

Sorry, but I'm going to have to add you to my blogroll. You are going to be my new daily read. Deal with it, lol.