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October 13, 2008

New Meds

Dammitol: Relieves stress and aggravation. Dammitol works best in those sticky situations when you've
a: stepped in dog poop
b: spilled coffee down your last clean work shirt
c: locked yourself out of the house, leaving the keys and the baby inside.
d: all of the above. Simultaneously.

Dorkoff: Spray liberally when the office nerd/gossip/borrower steps into your cubicle to drone on endlessly about boring topics, or to borrow your last Hershey's Kiss. You know who they are.

Asspirin: take two now and then to ward off the headache you feel coming on when the kids are throwing all of the expired Halloween candy into your WalMart cart, falling out of the cart, or screaming hysterically that they neeeeed a new ______ (insert current neeeeed here).

Banishmint: Just like Tic-Tacs with a yummy Xanax middle! Take as many as needed and lock the kids in their rooms until they can behave.

RageStoppR: The instant cure for road rage! Just pull out this handy-dandy little device, aim and shoot at the car that just cut you off. It looks like a tiny bow and arrow, but it packs a wallop when used appropriately. Please use responsibly. Aim only at the back tire, not at the driver. Experience with driving hands-free is suggested.

Auntie Flo's All Natural Remedy: An elixer of calming chocolate, compounded with Banishmint and Asspirin. Take as needed, lie down for three days and get over it. Repeat monthly.

Life Savors: available in your favorite flavor. Pop one in your mouth, stop for a moment and appreciate the world around you. Take frequently. Can be habit-forming.

WhatNot: Apply liberally to your hubbie's ears. Instantly eliminiates that annoying "What?" when you mention the Chore List.

WhyNot: Safe for small children. Tastes like candy. Can be given as needed. Effective in preventing questions like "why are you so fat, Mommy?" "Why is that lady's butt so big Mommy?" "Why isn't she wearing underpants Mommy?"

13 comments:

georgie said...

LOL-I need a couple 'banishmints' right now!

The SSS is growing look for an email from myself or amy amy bo bamey in the coming weeks with your SSS exchange partners info

Carolina Girl said...

That is freaking hilarious! I need Dammitol on a regular basis!

jill jill bo bill said...

Hilarious! Can I o.d. on Dammitrol?

Julie said...

I'll take one of everything, please.

Mamasphere said...

Can I double or triple up? The first one, though, is more like a vitamin- something to take on a daily basis.

nikkicrumpet said...

HAH!! Where do I go to get prescriptions for ALL OF THEM! Very funny stuff.

lifeinredshoes said...

I take large doses of Dammitol, have for years. And Banishmint, an answer to prayer.

Deb said...

will you drop me a line when you come up with a "buttbegone". thanks.

Leigh said...

I am making the rounds introducing myself to those in the Santa Soriee! I am looking forward to the season, the reason and the fun! Drop by my island if you get a chance...have a good week

Snooty Primadona said...

I swear you might be my twin. Okay, I want to be your twin, lol.

I'm with you all the way... on every issue.

Great Post!

Anna Lefler said...

Har! I loved this...

Thanks for stopping by and commenting on the 'stache contest! I love your blog - can't wait to explore and read more...

:^) Anna

Shannon said...

These are hilarious!

Queen-Size funny bone said...

Is it a pill or suppository? i need a big big dose no matter what.