New Meds

Dammitol: Relieves stress and aggravation. Dammitol works best in those sticky situations when you've
a: stepped in dog poop
b: spilled coffee down your last clean work shirt
c: locked yourself out of the house, leaving the keys and the baby inside.
d: all of the above. Simultaneously.

Dorkoff: Spray liberally when the office nerd/gossip/borrower steps into your cubicle to drone on endlessly about boring topics, or to borrow your last Hershey's Kiss. You know who they are.

Asspirin: take two now and then to ward off the headache you feel coming on when the kids are throwing all of the expired Halloween candy into your WalMart cart, falling out of the cart, or screaming hysterically that they neeeeed a new ______ (insert current neeeeed here).

Banishmint: Just like Tic-Tacs with a yummy Xanax middle! Take as many as needed and lock the kids in their rooms until they can behave.

RageStoppR: The instant cure for road rage! Just pull out this handy-dandy little device, aim and shoot at the car that just cut you off. It looks like a tiny bow and arrow, but it packs a wallop when used appropriately. Please use responsibly. Aim only at the back tire, not at the driver. Experience with driving hands-free is suggested.

Auntie Flo's All Natural Remedy: An elixer of calming chocolate, compounded with Banishmint and Asspirin. Take as needed, lie down for three days and get over it. Repeat monthly.

Life Savors: available in your favorite flavor. Pop one in your mouth, stop for a moment and appreciate the world around you. Take frequently. Can be habit-forming.

WhatNot: Apply liberally to your hubbie's ears. Instantly eliminiates that annoying "What?" when you mention the Chore List.

WhyNot: Safe for small children. Tastes like candy. Can be given as needed. Effective in preventing questions like "why are you so fat, Mommy?" "Why is that lady's butt so big Mommy?" "Why isn't she wearing underpants Mommy?"