ABC

I borrowed this from Georgie over at Decisionally Challenged the other day. Pass it on! We want to know all about you!





A is for age: 5-0. I look like I'm 23. Good genes. Bad liar.


B is for burger of choice: Mr Sweeties' backyard grilled monster burgers with pepper jack cheese, cilantro, onions and lotsa spice. If he's cooking I'm not. It's a good thing.


C is for the car I drive: Silver '03 Honda Civic standard shift vrroom vrroom car, total bore-mobile but it is paid off so I love it.


D is for your dog's name: Mr. Magoo & Frank the Tank, the Siamese Twin pugs. They are joined at the hip and sometimes other places.


E is for essential item you use every day: My BFF the computer. Don't leave home without it. Since it's a desktop I never leave.


F is for favorite TV show at the moment: Brothers and Sisters.


G is for favorite game: Backgammon. If I was good enough at it I'd cheat but my fo real BFF can wipe me off the board. She's either a really good cheater or a really good player.


H is for home state: Ohio but our roots are in New England. I love New England from a distance. It's too damn cold up there.


I is for instruments you play: Oh hahahaha. I wish. If I could play I'd go for the piano. And the cello. Both large and intimidating. Like me.


J is for favorite juice: cranberry with a little vodka in it. Or vodka with a little cranberry.


K is for whose bum you'd like to kick: My own. I need to get my bum in gear and accomplish major chores today.


L is for last restaurant at which you ate: It's a toss-up, Applebee's or IHOP with Mr. Sweetie's folks either way. It's been awhile.


M is for your favorite Muppet: I love all Muppets indiscriminately.


N is for number of piercings: 2, one in each ear. I seriously considered getting my belly button pierced by The Bearded Lady when we were in Cape Cod years ago but my belly button was hiding under a roll of (must I say it) fat so I didn't. But CA got hers done.


O is for overnight hospital stays: One appendix, and to birth a 9-pound watermelon. Not on the same day. At least when I had my appendix taken out they still beleived in anesthesia. Not so much when CA was born. "Oh we don't use drugs anymore" the nurses would sing. Yeah, they were saving the good stuff for themselves.


P is for people you were with today: Mr. Sweetie, and CA by phone. We are joined at the hip by the phone.


Q is for what you do with your quiet time: Read. Blog. Nap.


R is for biggest regret: Not a one. Regrets are for suckers.


S is for status: (Pinching self) Still alive and kicking.


T is for time you woke up today: 7:30


U is for what you consider unique about yourself: I'm freakishly strong. (not really but I like to think so.)


V is for vegetable you love: All of them. I'm a vega-holic.


W is for worst habit: Which is worse, smoking or procrastinating?


X is for x-rays you've had: Dental. I should do Mr. Sweetie's ABC's, his Xrays are far more interesting. You name it, there's a picture of it.


Y is for yummy food you ate today: Home made meat loaf sammitch. Coffee. Yum.


Z is for zodiac: Cancer.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

Yesterday being Monday, or at least for awhile I was thinkin' it was Monday even if it was Tuesday and I was late with the Monday stuff....wait. Yesterday WAS Tuesday, right?

Is it Friday yet?

Anyway. I was saving Monday for Serious Stuff. Like seriously considering reviving my career (ok j.o.b.) as a nurse. I seriously considered it yesterday, seeing how I thought it was Monday and all.

Always start a new project/diet/life changing deals for the beginning of the week. That way you can procrastinate till Monday rolls around again. Or Tuesday. Whatever.

Up until 11 months 22 days and a couple of hours ago I had a real job. I was laid off on Halloween. I knew it was coming; the hospital I worked at was downsizing our unit, and the Powers That Be decreed that LPNs were worthless expendable due for an extended vacation.
I was working two jobs at the time, and Christmas was coming. Job number Two was our barn star business. I anticipated a busy couple of months and was looking forward to having the time to devote to the Season of Shopping. I wasn't planning on doing the shopping, I was lying in wait for customers to come buy stuff from us, which they were obliging enough to do.
Lots and lots of lovely customers.
We had so many orders that we were sleeping for four hours, painting.packing.shipping for as long as we could stand up and speak intelligently ~or at least point and grunt ~ and sleeping for four hours.

Good times.

Springtime was a more modest version of Christmas. I couldn't imagine going back to work. I WAS working. I'm STILL working. I'm the Painting/Packing/Shipping/Accounting/Janitor/Food Lady multi-tasking business guru.

When rumblings of "bailout" and "recession" ballooned into full-on bellowing this fall, folks got less eager to buy things that are more of a want than a need. Orders are a little on the slow side. There are just about enough orders to get by on, but I'm feeling the pinch.

Ouch.

I've been very blessed this year. We've managed to pay our bills, keep groceries in the fridge, and a roof over our heads. Thank You very much, God, I'm grateful.

But the Accounting, Janitorial, Human Resources, and Food Lady Departments are all sorrowfully shaking their heads and saying "Get a job already."

Maybe just a little job. Part-time. Now if I could just remember what day it is so I could show up at work on the right one..........

I want to give a shout out to The Nester. She's one of my favorite decorating bloggers. She's also a shameless promoter of all things handmade and mom-made. Today's promotion is Handmade Holiday. Head on over to her site here, join in the fun, festivities and giveaways that she's sponsoring, and check out the mass amount of goodies that moms are making!

The Letter for Today Is......

r.

what do I say when I wake up at 4:30 AM to find that the sheets must be changed because those "Have a Happy Period" fools marketing execs are big fat liars?

arrrrrrrrrr.

the letter r is brought to you today by the letters P, M, and s.

New Meds

Dammitol: Relieves stress and aggravation. Dammitol works best in those sticky situations when you've
a: stepped in dog poop
b: spilled coffee down your last clean work shirt
c: locked yourself out of the house, leaving the keys and the baby inside.
d: all of the above. Simultaneously.

Dorkoff: Spray liberally when the office nerd/gossip/borrower steps into your cubicle to drone on endlessly about boring topics, or to borrow your last Hershey's Kiss. You know who they are.

Asspirin: take two now and then to ward off the headache you feel coming on when the kids are throwing all of the expired Halloween candy into your WalMart cart, falling out of the cart, or screaming hysterically that they neeeeed a new ______ (insert current neeeeed here).

Banishmint: Just like Tic-Tacs with a yummy Xanax middle! Take as many as needed and lock the kids in their rooms until they can behave.

RageStoppR: The instant cure for road rage! Just pull out this handy-dandy little device, aim and shoot at the car that just cut you off. It looks like a tiny bow and arrow, but it packs a wallop when used appropriately. Please use responsibly. Aim only at the back tire, not at the driver. Experience with driving hands-free is suggested.

Auntie Flo's All Natural Remedy: An elixer of calming chocolate, compounded with Banishmint and Asspirin. Take as needed, lie down for three days and get over it. Repeat monthly.

Life Savors: available in your favorite flavor. Pop one in your mouth, stop for a moment and appreciate the world around you. Take frequently. Can be habit-forming.

WhatNot: Apply liberally to your hubbie's ears. Instantly eliminiates that annoying "What?" when you mention the Chore List.

WhyNot: Safe for small children. Tastes like candy. Can be given as needed. Effective in preventing questions like "why are you so fat, Mommy?" "Why is that lady's butt so big Mommy?" "Why isn't she wearing underpants Mommy?"

Think Pink

So many of us have been touched by the dreaded C-word. So many of us have become warriors in the battle to eradicate it.

My new bloggy friend at Nana's Box is sponsoring a series of giveaways in recognition of National Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

"Nana’s Box is a nonprofit service committed to providing a photo box to cancer patients who are undergoing treatment. Nana's Box offers this service to the individual patient with the help and support of families, and those volunteers interested in the emotional support of cancer patients."

If you've never sat through chemo, radiation, or the endless rounds of medical appointments associated with cancer, remember those that have. It's tough. Having a tangible link to family and friends can be a real life-saver in more ways than one. A photo box gives patients undergoing treatment something to focus on other than the reason they're sitting in the waiting room, the chemo room, or the lab.

You can go to her site here to make a donation, or to enter the giveaway. There are two count 'em TWO giveaways each month through January. There are tons of fabulous prizes, and all that is requested is a comment and a link to Nana's Box. A donation would be greatly appreciated too.

J'Ollie Primitives is donating a 24-inch Barn Star to Nana's cause. You get to choose any color, and yes, we can custom paint a pink barn star just for you.

JillJillBoBill has donated her boobs. She is such a giving person. She demonstrates How To Do A Breast Exam With Your Shirt On here. And yes, she will work for shoes.

Feel yourself up. Check the ladies every month. If you haven't had your mammogram lately, get it done. If your health insurance is limited or non existent, contact your local Community Resource Center to get information on free or reduced-charge mammograms. Having your boobs squished in a waffle iron is well worth knowing that you won't need to go through the torment of treatment for breast cancer.

think pink!

It Was A Dark And Scary Night....

Insane Mama is having a Halloween contest! Write about Halloween, link back to her, and win fabulous prizes!

The following is a true story and not to be confused with an overly stimulated imagination.


It was October of '77. I was 19 and dumb as a box of rocks naive. My sister who wasn't much smarter had married, had a baby, divorced and moved back to Ohio. She needed a room mate.
I was elected, having cheated on the "move out on your eighteenth birthday" rule.
We moved into the top half of an old o.l.d. circa 1910 house in an old neighborhood. The lower floor was occupied by a nut job kooky lady named Bonnie & her three little kids.

There was only one entry door to the house. Come inside and go straight, run into Bonnie's apartment door. Take a right and pound up the 28 wooden stairs, there's our apartment door.

Sister K liked to have a bit of a social life. When I'd come home from my social life, she'd go out, leaving me with her one-year-old. He was a good sleeper and he didn't seem to mind the arrangement. I was a good sleeper too and rarely knew when she was sneaking out leaving if I'd already gone to bed.
Well. "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" was back in the theatre to celebrate Halloween. I'd never seen a scary movie before. Boyfriend took me. It was v.e.r.y. s.c.a.r.y.
Boyfriend took me home. I made him check the tiny apartment. Twice.
Sister K didn't seem to be there.
Nobody was there.
Just me. After midnight. Time for the ghosties and goblins to roam.
I went to bed and literally hid under the covers. And eventually fell asleep against my better judgement.
Know what a chainsaw sounds like? VaROMMM VaROMMMMM VAROMMMMMMM
I woke up to that noise.
It was loud and getting louder. And closer.
I was scared shitless.
then....
IT WAS BANGING ON THE DOOR DOWNSTAIRS.
VaROMMM VaROMMMMM VAROMMMMMM
I.was.going.to.die.a.virgin.
I'm pretty sure I was still a virgin then but I digress.
I gathered up all the blankets off of my bed and ran for the living room. It was the longest and scariest ten-foot run in my pitifully short life.
I hid between the couch and the wall, covered with blankets, pretending I was a load of laundry. I prayed that the chainsaw-wielding beast downstairs would have no interest in laundry.
What seemed like an eternity later ~ it was more like 3 minutes ~ I heard K thumping up the stairs with the baby. Creeeeaaak goes the key in the lock.

"K-k-k-k-k-k-k? Is that you?" I managed to squeak.
"What are you doing?" It WAS her.
Whew.
"Texas.Chainsaw.Massacre.I.Heard.The.Chainsaw.At.The.Door.Very.Very.Scary."
she scared the Chainsaw Guy away, was my logic. But he might come back.......
"Bwaaa-hahahahahaha!!!!!!! Bonnie was vaccuuming the foyer!!!!!! Bwa-hahahahahaaaah!" K was laughing so hard she could hardly get the words out. It's 2 o'clock in the morning. She's cleaning house at 2 AM?

I have yet to live it down.

Leaking, Spewing, and Random Stuff

hee hee NASCAR DAY......we'll see if any actual work is accomplished by Mr Sweetie. He's recording the WHOLE DAY so I can pester him to get things done and he can watch it later.

Loving this weather, it's so nice & crisp & cool....I'm going to have to devote some serious weeding time to the gardens out back so I can put them to bed. they.are.a.mess. Have been wanting to power wash the house too, because it is a dirtydirty house....I bought a teeny tiny (cheap) power washer several many years ago and it does do a great job, however it must be USED in order to be effective.....

Leaky List ~New Leak: the toilet in the bathroom right across from "the office" has a broken wax ring so it can't be used till "we" fix it. A couple of weeks ago I noticed a puddle around the base and thought that Mr Sweetie was not aiming well when he got up to go in the middle of the night. I eventually got around to cleaning the bathroom and when I flushed the magic toilet cleaning stuff saw that there was a leak at the base.....so Mr Sweetie is not to blame. Problem is now if/when I have eleventy-two cups of coffee each and every morning I have to run through the house to the little bathroom which is far far away when you have to pee..... I'm hoping that "we" can fix the leaky toilet on our own. Last year the water main or whatever the big pipe under the house is called sprang a major leak and had to be replaced. Eight-plus hours of labor, a new trap door to access the pipe, new parts, and a bill that I'm still paying off. Major emergency credit card expenditure. Crap. We could have spent a week in Cape Cod for the amount of money that leak cost.

Old Leaker: Clementine has been using the floor register right.next.to.her.cat.box. to pee in. Apparently it's just too much bother to hoist her arthritic little booty over the lip of the cat box unless she has to poop. How did I make this discovery? By turning on the furnace one night before bedtime and coming out to the Cat Box Room/family room to the scent of Eau de Peau the next morning. The ductwork has been scrubbed, sprayed with anti-Eau de Peau and still there is a lingering peau factor....I'm hoping it's just my imagination. Peau.

Silly Leaker: Sprout came into the painting room the other day, his favorite place to nest ~ in my mile high fabric stash ~ not allowed. I whacked his backside with a paint stick to shoo him out of there and did not realize until after whacking him that I had just USED the stick to (duh) stir paint with....by the time I tracked him down he had licked the paint off of his backside and was spewing yellow foam. He got a face wash and a butt wash to get the paint off, then I had to follow the trails of paint and wash them off the floor....peau. Reminded me of Wild Bill. For some reason he liked toothpaste. When she was brushing her teeth CA would feed him a little toothpaste and he'd foam at the mouth. Very amusing. I can't say that it ever did anything for his stinky cat breath.

She Denies Any Knowledge of Leaking: CA called me the other day and asked me if a back ache would indicate a kidney infection. She said "just Google it or go to WebMD MOOOoooOOOOmmm" when I asked her if she had this or that symptom....because I'm Doctor Nurse and I KNOW these things. So I read off all of the WebMD symptoms to her. Which I coulda done without actually looking them up because I'm SUCH a know-it-all.She would neither admit or deny having any such symptom, just said that her back hurt. She called later to say that she was at work when she called earlier and that she couldn't really go into detail because there were PEOPLE there that were listening to her conversation. Then she went into detail. Which I could have done without. TMI.

End of Leaky List. I hope.

Mom used to give us a little tinkly bell when we were sick and on the couch. We could ring the bell instead of yelling "MOOOoooOOOOmmm" so she could tell that the Sick Child was in dire need of something and that it wasn't one of the Healthy Children yelling. Sick Children were responded to. Healthy Children were not. If you were healthy enough to yell you were not sick enough to lie around. When CA was little I gave her the same bell to ring when she was sick. When she was officially sick enough (with the TMI UTI) to lie on her own couch in her own apartment she called to say "I wish I had a bell." There will be a bell in the mail tomorrow. God knows who's going to answer it since she is officially a BigGirl and living on her own. But a bell is a start. Maybe she can train Mr. Wii to answer it. (Her current BF) He has a Wii. Or I thought he did. Apparently he had borrowed it from somebody else. But she still kicks Wii Bowling butt. And he's keeping the name because I like it. OK, it's noon and I really must get to WORK. Business is still slow. Not good. Enough said about that for one day.

P.S. It's long past noon, and I still haven't been able to talk my handsome assistant into posting pictures of the Leakies. This will have to do. I'll wrestle the camera to the ground / figure out the techie stuff this week. Promise.

OOOPS

That's 700 billion. Oops. Thanks for not noticing. Or denouncing me for a complete financial idiot if you did notice.

If it was in my checkbook I mighta caught it. Especially when that last $230,000,000 check bounced.

Back to our regularly scheduled very occasional hopefully funny posting.

No Bailout

Finger-pointing.
It's all the Democrat's fault.
It's all the Republican's fault.
It can't be the fault of predatory lenders, the financial leaders of our country, or Lehman Brothers.
It can't be the fault of the wage earner who bought a home that they couldn't possibly afford if they were being realistic.
The proposal to tax the population of the U.S.A. for 70 billion dollars has failed. For now.
Listening to George Bush's speech a few days ago got my goat. "We are going to bail out yet another tottering institution so that the great American people can get more credit." And owe more money.
Isn't that what got us into trouble in the first place?

Retail Therapy II ~ Thank You, I Feel Much Better Now

Awesome. Totally Awesome.


Precious Daughter should be writing this post just to tell you how much she rocks but she had to high-tail it back to College Town for a date with Mr. Wii and the Wii Parental Units.


I didn't know Mr. Wii's Christian name for several weeks. All I heard was "I'm going to go kick butt playing Wii Bowling with this guy."


Mr. Wii rocks, even though she did kick his butt with her Wii bowling skills.


Anyway, PD is a shopping barracuda.


We went here:






She parlayed a returned tote bag into a pile of Coach booty.



An umbrella for her, a little wristlet purse for ummm her, and the rare and elusive Legacy Leigh, which legend has it retails for mucho mucho dinero, if you can find one.



They are so rare and elusive I can't find a picture of one without stealing it from eBay.




the pictures weren't good so I didn't steal any That would be wrong.

Because I begged and pleaded and cried I'm such a good mom she bought me a red
tote bag. The total? $17.00. Her returned tote bag had been a gift so that didn't count. We were just so full of ourselves delighted that we just had to go the the Gap, where she tried on and discarded sixty-eight outfits in five minutes while I stood empty-handed in the long check-out line, piled twenty-two outfits into my arms and tried on a few more things while I shuffled along the checkout dead zone, appearing only to whip out her debit card as I fell across reached the magic cash register.

Bag stuffed with Gap Goodies: under a hundred bucks. Way under.
Watching PD using her debit card instead of pickpocketing mine? Priceless!

Two dresses and a belt, a quick tour of the chocolate store where we did.not.buy.any.chocolate ~ it wasn't on sale and we wanted stuff on sale ~ a whirlwind tour of
Eddie Bauer, where I scored my own bag o' goodies for Christmas gifties at 70% off, thank you, and we were done.

I thought.

The diamond store. Ack. Twenty minutes, a credit card application for the extra 10% off and PD has bought herself a pair of twinkly rings.

Wait a minute.

I thought college kids lived on Ramen Noodles and that boys bought girls diamonds.

Not this chickie. She's working two jobs and sometimes three, she's a full-time student paying her own way and maintaining a decent grade point average. She has an awesome boyfriend who is under no obligation to supply her with twinklies.

She's not all about the material stuff, even if she is a shop-a-holic. She's a great kid turning into a real live grown-up.

Wer'e going to have to talk about her starting a retirement account.

For her mom.

Retail Therapy

http://www.outletbound.com/cgi-bin/enh_center.cgi?geocity=86LXPVKB&state_cd=OH


We.are.going.shopping!

Ollie's Big Adventure

Last night was fun.

Not.

I was getting the house put to bed, you know, locking up and turning out lights when there was a crash in the kitchen. One of those "oh crap, something's just broken into a million little pieces and it's probably your favorite ugly lime-green coffee cup" crashes.

The crash was followed by our youngest cat, Ollie, streaking through the house like his tail was on fire. He'd somehow jettisoned a full sugar bowl across the counter. Kaboom.

Sigh. Out with the vaccuum cleaner.

Suck up contents of ex-sugar bowl. Put away vaccuum. Go find Ollie.

Locate Ollie. Ollie has a m.o.u.s.e. He is very possessive of his little toys friends. We have five yes five cats. No self-respecting mouse should even consider stepping their nasty little ugly scary feet in this house.

We had a minor population explosion of mousies last winter. Even one-eyed Luna and fat cat Rosie managed to bag themselves a mouse and act all hunter-ish and proud of themselves. Earned their keep, they did. More than decorative, they were. Grrr. Mighty hunters.

Last winter, Ollie's first two mice were dispatched without a lot of fuss on his part. Find 'em, kill, 'em, get mad when we'd Mr. Sweetie would take it away and throw it in the garbage. Outside. As far away as possible from me. I'm far too busy screaming and standing on chairs.

Ollie figured out that dead mice made for a really short game. He decided to play catch-and- release. Catch a mouse, run through the house with it clenched in his jaws, drop it in a room where he'd never catch it again, and watch the Food Lady scream.

Last night was no different. Except that he did manage to catch it a second time. Mr Sweetie had had several many a couple of beers and was all wrapped up in talking to his buddy online. He was supposed to be keeping an eye on Ollie and his toy friend but he was having some difficulty in understanding his obligation to do so.

"Where's Ollie and the mouse?", said the chickenshit I.

"Well you know if I go chasing him he'll hide and he'll drop the thing and you'll scream louder." , he said.

'THAT WASN'T THE QUESTION. WHERE ARE THEY RIGHT NOW."

He heaved himself out of his chair and pretended to go looking for them.

"I DON'T WANT YOU TO FIND THEM. I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHERE. THEY. ARE."

"Oh. I dunno. Want me to go find them?"

Communication skills are seriously lacking here.

Crash bang in the bathroom. In the tub. Ewwww. I'll never take a bath again. Ewwwww. There's a mouse in my TUB.

ewwww ewww ewww.

Then I saw it. The answer to my phobia prayers. The vaccuum cleaner. With a 6-foot-long hose thing attached to it. And a three-foot metal wand. Desperate times, desperate measures. Turn on the vaccuum. March into the scary bathroom. Aim shoot suck running mouse into vaccuum. Run screaming. Mr Sweetie to the rescue, takes vaccuum bag out of vaccuum and tosses it out in the garbage pail.

Funny. I didn't know he knew how to turn the vaccuum off, or take the bag out. Hmmm. Maybe he's smarter than he lets on when it comes to technical things like the dishwasher. Hmmmm.

Ollie is still mad at us for kicking his friend out. Just wait till next time.

Ewwwwwwwwwwww.

It Was This Big

Yesterday was a pretty good day. All caught up with work and ready to do some catch up on the yard work. My neighbors can testify that yard work does not get done as often as they would like here at the J'Ollie Home. We live on a nice corner lot. When I moved back here several many years ago (this is my childhood home; my then four-year-old and I moved in with my mom after her dad and I split up) I was in my 30's, full of beans and plans. I started a garden with the help of my nephew.


It was a fairly big garden, I'm guessing 20 x 30 feet. Full of coreopsis, coneflowers, lilies, and roses. Lots of other pretties. I liked that garden so much that I thought a few more garden beds would be even better.


Eight more. Big ones.


"Man's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a heaven for?"



Starting projects is my specialty. Maintaining and completing them is altogether a different matter. Gardens require a lot of maintainance. Working full time is not conducive to having the energy to maintain a whole lotta flowery real estate. I am jealous of admire folks with beatifully maintained gardens.



The gardens have really gone to pot. Not that kind of pot. We've been down-sizing the gardens in a desperate attempt to make it look a little more civilized and easier to maintain. The deer have been very helpful in pruning back all the stuff I'm trying to keep. Weeds? Nah...they don't eat no stinkin' weeds.....just the lilies and the good stuff. I wish they liked ivy as much as they liked my Stargazers.

We have the Ivy From You-Know-Where. It's that pretty English ivy that graces old brick buildings. Pretty till you get a closer look and realize that it's prying the siding away from the house, it's weasled its way under the windows, up to the top of the chimney, and will soon very soon will be sneaking down the chimney through the fireplace and into the living room where it will smother the cats and cover Mr. Sweetie any other inanimate objects in pretty green clingy foliage.


Fall is coming. I want to use the fireplace. I want chestnuts roasting on a open fire and some schmaltzy romance and a beer or two while we warm our toes. I want to toast marshmallows.

The Green Beast must be destroyed.


This Old House recently had an episode that featured a couple of homeowners renovating their gorgeous old three-story manor. Part of the renovation included ripping out all the the old ivy that was destroying the stucco. Two women, grabbing vines at the base of the house and r-r-r-r-r-ipping it off all the way past the second floor. As they stand on the ground. Easy schmeasy.

Right. Did I mention we have ivy on steroids?

We started at the bottom and ripped and tore and cussed and climbed a 10-foot ladder and ripped some more. Leaving about 20-odd feet of ivy dangling from the upper half of the chimney laughing and taunting us.


This is gonna mean somebody has to get a really really tall ladder and climb to the top of the chimney to tear off off the tons of remaining ivy. Or hop on the roof and sneak up on it from behind.

This is a job for Handy Man. Mr Sweetie is many things but he is not Handy Man. He is n.o.t. a.l.l.o.w.e.d. to climb ladders. He already broke his neck once. Once is enough.

I am not Handy Man either. I wouldn't mind climbing a really really tall ladder as long as there was a soft place to land when I look down and get dizzy and fall off of the ladder. I wouldn't mind climbing the roof if I had Spider Man's webby stuff shooting out of my sleeves. Maybe I could strike up an aquaintance with one of the Cleveland Cavaliers.

Or some tall guy at the grocery store. Tall guys are always very obliging when a short lady asks them if they could reach her the Buffalo Wings way up on the top shelf of the freezer.

"Hello, would you mind grabbing that bag of frozen tater tots on the top shelf for me? thankyouverymuch. Oh, and by the way, would you come home with me and spend a few hours ripping ivy off of my chimney? No? There's a basketball game this afternoon? Darn."

Team Ivy: 1 Team J'Ollie: 0

That score is gonna change.

Butt-Kickin' Blogger! (Once in awhile, anyway...)

Wheee!! Miss South Carolina from Ramblings of a 30-Something Single Girl has bestowed a Kick-Ass Blogger award upon moi!

I'll be passing on the love just as soon as possible.

Lots to blog about, no time to do it.

Many thanks to Mr. Sweetie for pasting my shiny new button onto my blog page and doing the linky thing for me. Again, just haven't had time to learn these things on my own.

No sympathy needed. We aren't overwhelmingly busybusybusy, but busy enough to keep our heads above water running a business. We LIKE busy.

Thank you Carolina Girl! You kick butt too!

What, Me Worry?

I've been pretty much inspiration-free for the last couple of days. Actually I owe the Farmer's Wife a post about how Inspiration Grows Like Mold....the Inspiration is there, but it requires photos and pointers and things. Mr. Sweetie is in charge of the camera. It's one of those new-fangled gizmos with the adjustable flash and all kinds of bells and whistles. I am not camera literate. Yet. Mr Sweetie probably won't understand or appreciate taking pictures of what I want.

"You want me to take a picture of what? How is that funny?"

But that's not what I wanted to say. I got off on a tangent before I even started. Because I was going to post on one of humanities' favorite things to do EVER: (aside from shopping and eating)

Well, maybe it isn't our favorite thing, but we all excel at it ~ worrying. We are a global community of worrywarts.

Those of you whose life is perfect may be excused from this rambling.

I am a Champion Worry Wart. Meet my sister Sue, also know as Stew. She can what-if anybody under the table.

My mom was an underacheiver in the Worry Olympics. Throughout a life of circumstances and "shit happens" situations she would appear to be serene and calm, sailing through as if whatever crap life handed her things were just fine.

She was divorced in the early 60's when divorce was Not Done. She was in a car accident shortly after that and required eye surgery. I don't remember who took us four hooligans in while she was in the hospital, just that she wore an eye patch for a bit and that she acted as though this was completely normal.

She managed to clothe, feed and shelter us on a secretary's salary. Most of the clothes came from a cousin in New England after the cousin had outgrown them. We thought that getting a big box of clothes periodically was shopping. It was as big of a buzz then as mall shopping is now.

Every summer she'd load four kids and on several memorable occasions a full-grown German Shepherd into an old VW Beetle and drive from Ohio to northern Maine to visit her mother and family for a week. Calm and serene, no worries.

When we got too loud or obnoxious she'd yell "Heavens to Murgatroyd! By the Lord Harry!" We knew we'd truly crossed the line when she'd holler, "Hell's Bells!!!"

It's easy to cross the line when there are four small wiggling bodies and a German Shepherd in the back of a Bug.

I spent many of my formative years thinking that God's name was Harry.

She met and married my Dad after a two week courtship in the early 70's. She didn't spend much time at all worrying about putting a wedding together or the implications of spending the rest of their lives together. They just got on with it so they could get to the happily ever after.

The only time that she was really and truly overtly worried, overwhelmed and a jangling bag of nerves was when my Dad required emergency surgery for a ruptured gall bladder. After 15 years of marriage, and seeing the love of her life so ill, she had somehow lost the coping mechanism of saying "let go and let God." She worried and stewed and worried some more. Dad died suddenly ~ complications from multiple back-to-back surgeries led to a heart attack at 55.

Thank God for Stew, I mean Sue. Sue would make sure that Mom came to her house for lunch and a daily dose of Sue-ness. "I was taking a shower with the three-year old and she looked up at me and said, "Mommy, why do you have such big (and here I thought I'd have to explain breasts to a three year old) knees? " " A daily dose of Sue can get you through trying times.

Mom somehow managed to get through our house burning down, her mother's death, and her diagnosis of colon cancer, all within a few months of each other. Once again, she was like a duck, calm and serene on top of the pond, and paddling like hell beneath the surface. When the time came to sign up for hospice, she had the hospice nurse and a representative from Elderhostel come to visit almost simultaneously. She had an opportunity to go to New England to draw light houses, and damned if she was going to miss out. It didn't matter that she couldn't draw a stick figure or that she was too weak from chemo and advancing illness to walk more than a few feet.

Mom was moved to the hospice center when it was time. Had she been alert enough she probably would have hollered "Hell's Bell's" at her four hooligans. She was reclined in a big hospital chair with her little chemo beanie sliding over her eyebrows. We were worried that the lights were bothering her eyes so somebody (Sue) put some sunglasses on her.

The likeness to the dead guy in "Weekend at Bernies' " was uncanny, And I'm sorry, really, really funny.

We refrained from posing Mom in unlikely but hilarious positions. But we thought about it.

Apparently giggling in hospice is acceptable, as long as you don't bother anybody but the nurses.

We got a call from the hospice center the first night of Mom's admission. She'd fallen out of bed but had not sustained any injuries.

When we asked her what she was doing getting out of bed without help she said,

"Oh, I was so worried about the cat."

Moral of this hellishly long post: Don't worry about the cat. Just don't worry.

Customer Service at Its Best

I was standing in line at Wendy's today. There were several counter people taking folk's orders. One of them was a cute high school age boy.

A burly construction worker came up to the counter and asked the cute high school boy to refill his Coke. Burly Construction Guy had one of those basso profundo voices that can make your toes curl.

He could recite the ABC's and make it sound sexy and romantic.

High School Boy refilled the Coke and handed it over to Sexy Romantic Burly Construction Guy.

" Thanks man. Love you.", says Sexy Romantic Burly Construction Guy.

"Love you too. Have a good day." said High School Boy.

......?

Growing up, it seems like kids are tagged with labels that point out physical attributes, mental capacity, or some identifying factor that sticks for l.i.f.e. Any time I run in to folks I knew in elementary school and we catch up on each other's families, they don't remember names, but ask "How's the one that was so bossy?"

Big sis K is the Bossy One. She was cast in this role as soon as she acquired a little sis to boss around. She excels at her job and loves to tell people what to do.

Brother A. is the Smart One. He's the guy that took the MENSA test on a lark but wandered out before finishing the test because the answers were "too easy."

Sis S. is the Cute One. She is adorable inside and out. She's so cute that....well, when she was 36 her daughter was a senior in high school. Cute One saw that her daughter had left lunch at home so she ran it to the school. The principal saw Cute One in the school hallway and chided her, "young lady, shouldn't you be in class?" Read the numbers. Thirty-six. All natural. No fair.

Me? I'm the one with the boobs. Now, any of the above labels have some kind of almost complimentary ring to them. Who wouldn't want to be at least respected for their authority or smarts, or admired for being so darn cute?

What the hell do you do with boobs?

Kiss Them Bricks

The Brick Yard 400 commences today. All customary activity will be suspended. Shhhh. Watch as a bevy of macho race car drivers kiss the bricks. Listen intently as track conditions and shredding tires are discussed in e.x.c.r.u.t.i.a.t.i.n.g. detail.

Say "GO JEFF GORDON" at appropriate intervals.

pop a romantic schmaltzy girl movie in the other TV for the duration.

"Pride and Prejudice" anyone?

Survivor

I've been reading a lot of mommy blogs lately. Love the mommy blogs. Love the pics of the wee ones discovering the world around them.

This is dedicated to the mommies (and daddies too, I know you're there).

YOU WILL SURVIVE.

You will survive walking your child to their first day of kindergarten and leaving them with the crossing guard because they are NOT a baby and DO NOT want you to go IN with them.

You will survive when they change their mind halfway across the street and come back to have you escort them in to kindergarten. You will not cry, either.

You will not freak out when they come home from first grade with half their face torn off. You will calmly ask "what happened?" You will not laugh hysterically when you are told that Bobby was ignoring your precious child, so Precious Child grabbed Bobby's backpack strap and Bobby ran away. Wearing his backpack. With Precious Child firmly attached to backpack and leaving half of her face embedded in the asphalt. They're just skid marks.

You will agree that a bright orange jaquard print tee shirt, screaming purple skirt and red cowgirl boots do indeed make a stunning fashion statement on Picture Day.

You will survive being named Psycho Mom of the Year. You know very well that you are Psycho Mom because you are insane enough NOT to allow your 14 year old to get in a car with a TeenageDriver.

You will survive a phone call from the Emergency Room saying that your 14 year old daughter has been in a car accident. A TeenageDriver was at the wheel, somebody said something witty like "I've gotta fart", lost control of the car and drove Through A House.

You will NOT laugh hysterically when you arrive at the Emergency Room to see your child lying on a stretcher with a neck brace so large that it would've been a tad loose for the Incredible Hulk. (everybody lived to walk out of the ER unharmed. Any later harm would be a direct result of Parental Violence.)

You will survive and excel at terrorizing and intimidating both potential and official boyfriends. Having the advantage of being a few inches short of five feet tall and having perfected The Look will ensure that all boys will be on Auto-Scared the minute they pull in the driveway and HONK THE HORN for your Precious Child.

You will develop and perfect methods of dealing with Psycho Drama from your Precious Child, who by 15 is considerably taller than you. That's why God gave his children ears. Ears are not for listening. Ears are handles. Pull on the handle. The Precious Child will sit down on the floor and will LISTEN to you with the remaining ear. Do not relinquish your grasp on the handle until you are done speaking.

You will survive teaching your Precious Child how to drive, preferably in a car you no longer have any sentimental feelings about.

You will clap and cheer when Precious Child buys her very first car and helps to pay for it.

You'll survive your Precious Child's Orientation Day at college and moving into the dorm. You will escort her to her first classroom, although class won't start for another day. You will not cry. It feels a whole lot like the first day of kindergarten.

You will survive Year Number 21. Last year of college and on to grad school. You will not wonder where the time has gone. It's all right there. Oh, by the way, Precious Child's major is PSYCHO-logy.

Running On Empty

Thanks for stopping by. I'll be happy to entertain and delight you all just as soon as I think of something to say.

Or as soon as we get the chores done.

Meantime please put up with my empty blog page. I'll be sure to visit yours soon. Your life is far more entertaining. See you soon!